“Titanic II”

Posted on July 16, 2014 by splintchesthair

Let’s pretend, for a moment, that we’ve somehow clicked on “Titanic II” believing that it’s the official sequel to James Cameron’s 1997 blockbuster. It’s possible that someone could have made a sequel to one of the highest-grossing movies ever made without us hearing about it – we’re busy people, after all. It’s also possible that we could have missed the movie’s original theatrical run and any of the marketing blitz that surely would have preceded it completely. Again, we have better things to do than keep tabs on every movie Hollywood has in the hopper. However, I can’t imagine that there’s anyone out there with so much free time that they would choose to watch more than a few minutes of “Titanic II,” aside from myself, of course. Continue reading →

“God(zilla)’s Not Dead, or, How I Learned To Stop Worrying and Worship The Nuclear Death Beast”

Posted on May 22, 2014 by splintchesthair

This has been a big year for religious movies. Not only was there a big-budget adaptation of the story of Noah, but a pair of independent Christian movies have been pulling in impressive box office numbers. The trend continued earlier this month with the release of what I consider to be the most thought-provoking and interesting religious film of this or any recent year. That’s right, the one with the giant nuclear death-monster. Continue reading →

Rock ‘Em Sock ‘Em RoboCops

Posted on March 13, 2014 by splintchesthair

The original “RoboCop” is one of my favorite movies of all time – let’s get that out of the way first. Still, when I saw the remake (Or is it a reboot? Reimagining? Regurgitation?) a little while ago, I was excited to see how the story had been changed for an audience living in the actual 21^st century. People were saying positive things about director Jose Padilha, and apparently the project was strong enough to get Michael Keaton and Gary Oldman to join Sam Jackson, who is just as welcome but not picky. Even if it was terrible despite all the talent involved, it’s not like the original would disappear from history because the remake existed. Sometimes it feels like geeks are so used to comic book characters having their histories “retconned” that we’re afraid it can happen in real life, too.

I went into the theater ready to accept a new “RoboCop,” and when it was over that’s pretty much where I left it. The new “RoboCop” exists, and that’s fine. I’m sure the producers didn’t set out with the explicit goal of making the Second-Best Movie Called “RoboCop” Ever, but in truth that’s probably all it was ever going to be. And again, that’s fine. Continue reading →

Making a Case for “The Terminator” as a Christmas Movie

Posted on January 16, 2014 by splintchesthair

This would have made more sense to post a few weeks ago, but I didn’t have the conversation that inspired this until Christmas Day and work got in the way. Let’s just call this early for Christmas 2014.

There’s a growing movement that considers “Die Hard” to be a Christmas movie, and I understand that completely. It takes place during Christmas, for one thing. Beethoven’s “Ode to Joy” is referenced heavily in the score, and that’s a staple of Christmas church services in Europe. And it devotes a subplot to John McClain’s attempts to reconcile with his family, so it even covers “Christmas is all about being with family.” Obviously, there’s room for debate on this, your mileage may vary, etc. Continue reading →

“Hercules (1983)”

Posted on January 10, 2014 by splintchesthair

There’s a new Hercules movie coming out this weekend, and it looks really bad. What’s worse, it looks like it’s going to be really bad in the same way a lot of bad fantasy/sci-fi movies are these days, where they take themselves so seriously that even the color has been washed out of the film. It’s a moody teenager’s conception of myth, where the heroes are constantly scowling and it’s always raining because being happy is lame and for lame babies. So surely, a movie that takes the opposite approach and goes wall-to-wall goofy with everything should be 100 percent better, right? Not really, and that’s why I’m talking about the 1983 Golan-Globus version of “Hercules” starring the only non-CGI Incredible Hulk.

“Hercules” is what happens when you try to make a movie without any faith in your own concept. Rather than taking a look at what has made Hercules one of the most enduring myths of the western world and the subject of dozens of movies already, the filmmakers looked at the box office receipts of the previous summers and asked, “How can we make this more like those?” Continue reading →

“2012: Zombie Apocalypse”

Posted on October 8, 2013 by splintchesthair

The problem with zombies, according to zombie movies, is that there are far too many of them and it’s far too easy to make more of them. The same could be said for zombie movies themselves, unfortunately. Since the zombie movie became a genre unto itself, most zombie movies have taken on the characteristics of their stars – shambling, predictable, brainless and indistinguishable from each other.

Lurching alongside the rest of the pack is “2012: Zombie Apocalypse,” which couldn’t be more generic if it came in a brown paper wrapper. Even the title suggests that you won’t find anything in it that can’t be found in dozens of other movies. It’s actually surprising to me that this is a SyFy Original movie, because SyFy has shown at least enough creativity to smash two toothy animals together into one CGI beast to chase Debby Gibson or Jimmy Walker. Continue reading →

“Mutant Hunt”

Posted on September 18, 2013 by splintchesthair

If there’s anything I respect and appreciate as much as a good movie, it’s a terrible movie. From time to time, I’ll be posting a review of a terrible movie I found either on Netflix or elsewhere. I think it’s important to highlight that these things exist, and that someone somewhere thought they were good ideas.

If there’s a cardinal rule of filmmaking, it would have to be this: Never be boring. This goes double for B movies, because without the budget to fill the screen with eye-catching explosions or famous stars, you have to do all the work of maintaining the audience’s interest yourself. “Mutant Hunt” offers a variation on this rule: Never propose something significantly more interesting than you’re prepared to show the audience. “Mutant Hunt” fails this rule early on, as the heroes discuss the plight of a captive scientist. Apparently, the bad guy can detain this scientist legally for 72 hours because of some law passed in response to “the space shuttle sex murders.” Continue reading →

Now Entering Cyborg City 3000

Posted on September 13, 2013 by splintchesthair

Hello! This is the first official post on my new blog. You can read all about why this blog exists on the Welcome to Cyborg City 3000! page, but the digest version is I’m a writer and pop culture junkie, and this is just a place for me to write about whatever I want.

The first post on a blog should be pretty important, shouldn’t it? It has to sort of set the tone for everything that comes later and be compelling enough in its own right to make the readers want to come back. I’ve spent a lot of time thinking about the best way to kick off this little shindig, and here we go:

That’s Richard Nixon meeting Robocop, which to me is much more culturally and historically significant than that similar photo of Nixon and Elvis. Or, if you’re more into John McTiernan than Paul Verhoeven, there’s this photo, which proves that world peace is possible in our lifetime:

So there you go, the first post is out of the way and you should all have a very good idea about what to expect from this blog as I go.

…

(I’ve made a huge mistake.)

Cyborg City 3000

Serve the public trust, protect the innocent, uphold the law.

Author Archives: splintchesthair